Archive for the ‘hate’ Category

I swallowed a moth fly

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

Do you know about moth flies? They are not like regular flies. They are way smaller and with rounder wings. You’ve seen them before. They fly slow and they’re not that yucky so you probably tolerate them.

There was one in my new SmartCar (full name: Fergus SoCARtes [get it cuz it’s SMART like Socrates? Yes, that was an R2 suggestion] Panda II [Panda I was taken]). I was like o hai little fly and proceeded to open the window. But…Fergus has, for some weird reason a six CD changer and heated seats …but no power windows. So I was effortfully rolling down my window, and my panting created a vacuum, and the fly got sucked into my mouth.

I’m not squeamish, but I felt little struggling fly feet kicking at my esophagus which is the worst kind of tickle – internal.

So I was like !!!! and reached down into my lunch bag and opened my bag of carrots. I tremblingly threw one into my mouth and gave it three chews and swallowed (because bigger chunks would hopefully drag it down with it). Painfulsaurus Rex.

And…I STILL FELT THE KICK-KICKS! FUUUUUU! It must have gotten inhaled into my windpipe rather than properly down my esophagus. Damnitall.

Next: FORCED COUGHING! That did nothing.

So I sat and squirmed in horror for my 8-minute commute (the fly was surely dead by now but I felt it wriggling like this thing so I was in full-on heebie-jeebie mode) and when I got to work I ran to our kitchen and gulped down the most scalding coffee I had ever drank.

That did it.

PS. Moth flies are so called because they have hairs on their wings that make them look like moths shuddderrrr.

This Bear’s Been Naughty…

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Wow wow wee wow. You know, this blogging thing is pretty easy. I mean, look at this! My THIRD post in just as many days! My guess is you may be questioning whether or not you like the fact that I am invading your mind so often. Shhhhh! Don’t question! Just let it happen.

Before you start searching for Janet, hoping she’ll save you by posting something cute or by banishing me, you should know she’s at a conference in the City of Sin for the next few days. It’s probably why I’m in here writing about random things all willy-nilly. Just bear with it for a few days and breathe your sigh of relief when Janet gets back.

Speaking of bears (see what I did there? so clever.), I’d like to bring your attention to an upcoming game titled Naughty Bear, brought to us by 505 Games and Artificial Mind and Movement. Slated for the PS3 and Xbox 360, it is about a scorned teddy bear going rogue and subsequently terrorizing the other teddy bears. Sounds like just the kind of sick and twisted premise that we here at MTFB love to revel in right? Right! And since this blog is about More Than (a) Food (Blog), I think it’s high time we got the “More Than” in here.

Here’s the first trailer, pretty tame:

Aaaaaaand here’s the second:

Brilliant. Dark. Twisted. Cute. We have so many things in common, this game and I. It is set to drop some time this year, but I recall seeing somewhere that it may even be the first or second quarter of 2010Twenty-dime.” If all this isn’t enough to get you interested, let me hit you with this screenshot from the comment section of this post over at Kotaku, where bear puns were running rampant. I’ve (poorly, using MS Paint, no access AGAIN to Photoshop) circled and underlined the more important parts if you don’t get it the first time around.

It’s an intersection of video games, making fun of bears, and the social phenomenon known as Cougars. What more could you want?

If you’re looking for a way to not so subtly get out your anger at when your kids or siblings leave their toys around or if you have been waiting for something like this to express and channel your rage at your poor toy selection as a child, keep an eye out for Naughty Bear, he might be just what you need.

Giada: Food Porn of the Other Sort

Monday, July 23rd, 2007

For some reason, readers of CM hate Giada De Laurentiis. So what better to stir up their ire than Esquire’s piece on Giada? If you go to the piece you’ll see two even more gratuitously sexy photos of GDL. Hott.

Backslash Backlash

Saturday, September 30th, 2006

I am grumpy from being a hideous joker face monster so it’s time for a rant. I’d like to express my grouchiness at people who use the term “backslash” to mean “slash.” Frosty from the Frosty, Heidi, and Frank Show on 97.1 always says “backslash” when plugging AOL.AOL doesn’t need or deserve an “a href” Please, guys, listen! This is a backslash:


Have you ever fucking seen a symbol ANYWHERE in any URL that looks like this? NO!

This is a slash:


The most mindblowing thing about this is that it takes more effort to say “backslash” (it has twice as many syllables) than it does to just say “slash.” So why do people do it? I think it’s because people like to say shit that is overly complex just to sound smart. This is why people say “utilize.” The backslash mess is an even worse offense because it is incorrect on top of being pretentious. GAR! Makes me want to / somebody’s throat.

To top it all off, people who think that the “backslash” people are actually correct now think that there has to be a directional cue in front of the normal slash. So the backslash shit has given way to people saying “forward slash.” Unnecessary! A slash is a /. Just like it’s “clockwise” and “counterclockwise” you can just say slash.

So everyone, let’s put this into our list of pet peeves and correct the asses who say “backslash.” If you’d like to me to become angry about one of your pet peeves, I shall do so in return.