Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

This child is my soulmate

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Umm. So. My new year’s resolution #3 is not going so well. There’s just too much good kitten material out there! For the past hour I have been stuck in a loop watching Kittens Inspired by KITTENS! It’s like, if Strongbad were a tiny girl dissing on kittens.

My favorites are:

I want pie I want beef jerkyyy!

and

Yuck. I am weird.

What? You’re asking me about new year’s resolution #4? The one about one new post every three days? Actually, I’m working on a new post right now! Yayz.

An Important Message on Safety

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

Whoo hoo 2009! And as Janet’s shown, now is the perfect time to set some goals for the upcoming year. Whether your resolution is to stop eating the maple donut just because you think it looks lonely, or to actually talk to the cute girl at the coffee shop on the corner -at least so you don’t have to drink the horrible coffee just so you can see her, I’m asking you to add just one more: Always keep safety in mind.

Ok so I realize that’s a pretty broad subject that could apply to anything. But I’m not about to make this post about safe sex or making sure you wear your safety goggles while you work in the chem lab. Nope. This is about general safety in your general adventures and/or do-it-yourself shenanigans.

Example #1:
Safety while cutting. A while back I posted about my homemade solution to having a trendy bar scene going on at your very own sophisticated par-tay. And what could be more sophisticated than throwing your own inauguration ball/dance/prom? So after you pick up the requisite shrimp platter but before you start cutting the cardboard for your own Lit Bar Shelf (there needs to be a better name for that), keep this in mind:

OK so that wasn’t the worst picture, but you get the idea. That little number was done using a standard all-purpose scissor. I literally cut a chunk of my palm off. Hopefully now that you have that image seared into your brain (and if not, stare at it and think about what you would name it), you’ll always be sure to keep your body parts free of any harmful apparatus, because Hand does not equal Cardboard. If you plan on attempting any type of carpentry/craft(ery?)/knife work, perhaps you should invest in these:

This is totally a Psycho-style Knife Thrust Fail, but it clearly demonstrates the awesomeness that is a cut resistant glove. Can you imagine how bad things could have turned out if I had been drunk during that last project? Maybe I need to get some gloves.

Speaking of being drunk…

Example #2:
If you were to look in my desk drawer, you’d find two cardboard eye patches, one with a creepy blue eye drawn on to mismatch my brown one, and one that says “Don’t Peek!” While these things may somehow fit my career as a sometimes pirate, it is actually detrimental to my accounting work. So what’s the deal?

My friends know by now that sometimes when I over-partake of fine wines and strong spirits, I run into some issues with my eyes. Specifically, I have now on two occasions managed to scratch my cornea.

If you’ve never had this pleasure, let me just say that it feels like there is always something stuck in your eye and it makes your eye extremely sensitive to light. I had to turn off the lights in my office and spent most of the time crying from the pain my own computer screen caused me. Maybe this is just something that happens to me, but in the off-chance that there are others out there that suffer from this, I urge you to heed my warning after your inauguration party winds down and you head to bed. But be advised: I once had the presence of mind to remind myself I was drunk and shouldn’t take out my contacts. I failed anyway because I woke up the next morning missing the left contact anyway.

Lucky for me there’s a wikiHow on How to Remove Contact Lenses.

Anyway, now that we’re done with my display of undeniably fantastic motor skills, I have one last suggestion: If you’ve really got an itch to be extremely crafty and/or creative, but don’t have the knowledge nor materials to complete your idea, head over to Ponoko.com. You can either submit your own designs or ask an expert to help you out in creating whatever your overactive brain can think up.

New Year’s Resolutions

Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

Happy New Year! Hard to believe it’s 2009 already. Remember when people were freaking out about how that Prince song wouldn’t be relevant anymore in 2000? Seems like just yesterday.

Anyway, I was thinking about my New Year’s Resolutions, and to hold myself accountable, I will post them here on MTFB.

But first, let’s check on how I did on last year’s resolutions.

Last Year’s Resolution #1: Stop Eating When Full
Very difficult for a food blogger. I think I did best during summertime, when it’s more uncomfortable to eat till bursting. But summertime also equals flowy summer dresses, which makes it more comfortable to overeat. Hmmm. I think I give myself an A- on this one; big fat F when intoxicated.

Last Year’s Resolution #2: Be OK With Leaving Food On Plate
Wait, this is the same thing as Resolution #1, I think. Can you tell it’s very difficult for me to not overstuff my tum?

Last Year’s Resolution #3: Eat Slower
Are you sensing a pattern here? I’m embarrassed.

Let’s move on.

This Year’s Resolution #1: Become a Locavore
Locavore” was New Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year in 2007. I think locavoreianism (doubtful that this the correct term) also often means eating organic from farmer’s markets and such, and since I live walking distance from the country’s best farmer’s market, I should really get on that shit. This resolution also means devoting more of my budget to food, which I should be OK with, but there’s some cheapie Asian DNA squiggled inside my cells that I have to fight, so.

This Year’s Resolution #2: Be Able To Do A Pull-Up
After I spent several uncomfortable (for her) minutes creepily yet brazenly watching a badass chick at the gym do them, I was inspired. I made my hand into a fist and said “She WILL be MINE!” even though that wasn’t the right idiom (it was the closest saying that expressed my inspiration), making the situation even more awkward for her I’m sure. The key to this resolution is which grip I’ll be resolving to do. Underhand, parallel, overhand, mixed, modified one-hand grip with towel and without, etc. etc.

This Year’s Resolution #3: Spend Less Time Online Looking At Cats
Hey! I’m NOT a cat lady. In fact, I’m allergic to the point where I get skin rashes when I’m around cats. But I spend what probably amounts to weeks, cumulatively, looking at the critters on Stuff On My Cat, I Can Has Cheezburger, Daily Kitten, and, when they show up, on Cute Overload. This must stop.

This Year’s Resolution #4: Blog At Least 5 Times Per Month
Daniel is in on this resolution as well. This means at least 10 posts per month, which means at least one every three days, which is acceptable, right?

I hope so, because I don’t want to be that bitch who’s like, “Why you never call me?” and then never pick up the phone when you do call. Because I love you.

Many happy returns on the year~! Go 2009!

Say Goodbye to Tofurkey.

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

OK so most of you have no need to say goodbye to Tofurkey. Truthfully, a good lot of you haven’t even said hello to Tofurkey. And perhaps a number of you threw up in your mouth just thinking of the texture and taste of a fake turkey in your mouth. But according to this Yahoo! Answers post, roughly 6% of the population is vegetarian. (As you can see I did some hardcore research on this.) And since we love to be inclusive here at MTFB, here’s a little post dedicated to our vegetarian friends.

So why are we saying goodbye to tofurkey? Well, even though the holiday season is drawing to a close and this post is woefully ill-timed, some of you may have it in your head to try a little tofurkey to close out the year. Or kick off the new one. Or whatever. In any case , I nominate for your masticating pleasure: the Vegetarian Turkey from Vegetarian Plus, a VegeUSA brand. My brother happens to be a (almost) vegan and since the rest of my family and I have no problem with eating veggie food (don’t get me wrong, I love me a good steak or drumstick, but sometimes I crave the taste of the fake stuff), we prepare a veggie turkey of sorts every year.

Anyway, as far as looks go, Vegetarian Plus’ (VP) Vegetarian Turkey is the closest lookalike to a real turkey that I’ve come across, complete with a golden skin-like appearance. And while the veg. turkey may look smaller than the real thing, it has no bones to mess with and is basically a sculpted mass of dense protein. What’s not to love?

In the taste department, the turkey “taste” doesn’t really make an appearance. In fact, one of the words that came to mind is Asianesque. If you ask me what that means, I couldn’t tell you, but I had an odd inkling that if I doused that sucker in some soy sauce or teriyaki, we’d be good to go. Still, in a taste test between a tofurkey and this one, I’d lean on this one. Let’s talk texture: while VP’s turkey was obviously not texturally equivalent to a real turkey, it is far better than that of a tofurkey. VP’s turkey had some type of meat texture going on… just not a turkey.

So there you have it my veggie friends, consider your horizons (very slightly) broadened.

The Procrastinator’s Guide to Holiday Shopping: 7-Eleven Gifts

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008

 

So. Maybe you spent the last month working furiously on a grant. Or maybe you spent it drunk. Maybe both at the same time. In any case, imagine that you are in a situation where it is Christmas Eve and you have NOT BOUGHT ANYONE PRESENTS! Oh no!

After contemplating a plan in which you injure yourself, severely enough so that you’ll be hospitalized and have a good excuse for not having gotten anyone anything, but not so severely that you die, and then discarding this plan, and then, more sensibly, looking online to see whether overnight shipping means they’ll ship on Christmas Day (they don’t), and discovering that even fucking TARGET is closed on Christmas day, you then drive to… the trusty 7-Eleven!

There, you might contemplate the following holiday gift ideas, all available at 7-Eleven:

But, wait. First, to get into character, loiter in front and have a cigarette like I did. I don’t smoke unless drunk, but I had to make the experience a complete one.

OK, onto the LIST!

 

 

1. VIDEO GAMES: 7-Eleven has come a long way, baby! You can get fucking Call of Duty at 7-Eleven now!!? Or, if you are, like, a grandma who doesn’t know cool video games, you can get your grandson the 007 game because that’s familiar to you. Note: I just looked up reviews of the game online and it’s actually semi-well reviewed, so this year grandma would have landed a winner, unlike that year when she bought you a Zune.

 

 

 

2. Giftcards: iTunes is probably your safest and best bet as far as giftcards go, though you could get a World of Warcraft giftcard if you are me and buying for your sister, who is a supercute, giggly sorority girl who has a nerdy streak.

 

 

 

3. Sunglasses: Not the best gift if you’re not an LA-ite (well, not the best gift in general), but you could take off the tag, throw it into an old sunglasses case that you’ve kept lying around when you bought yourself Prada shades two years ago, and hope for the best.

 

 

 

4. Gift Subscription to Magazine: This was an excellent suggestion by Cole, who was helping me on my mission. You could buy the latest copy of the mag, roll it up, and wrap it so it looks like a bottle of wine, except it’s SURPRISE! a magazine! Just pop the subscription card into the nearest mailbox.

 

 

 

5. Wine: …or you could just straight up get them a bottle of wine. Not too confident on the selection at 7-Eleven, though. I think a good strategy would be to buy a super obscure brand that is more than $10, and then say, “Yeah, I read a review about this in an in-flight magazine a while ago.”

 

 

 

6. Beer: Or maybe you could go with beer. I think this is safer. Sapporo or some other semi-“exotic” beer is good. Heineken is really trying to promote this strategy of giving beer with their holiday commercial depicting men as (a) selfish (with the holiday 5-pack), and (b) terrible at wrapping. Both seem accurate to me?

 

 

 

7. A boatload of lottery tickets: I think this is a good gift in the “ironic” vein of gifts if you give it to a prissy person who has never played the lotto before. The only risk with this gift is if they actually hit it big, in which case you’ll have to deal with your own bitter feelings for many years.

 

 

But they come with their own holiday gift envelope! A definite plus as you won’t have to pay for wrapping paper. Which 7-Eleven, of course, sells. Along with Christmas cards!

 

 

Anyway, continuing onwards~

 

 

 

8. Cat Food? This was one of Cole’s suggestions. He insisted that cat food was a great gift. I was skeptical. He said, “Cats LOVE this stuff!” Well, duh. It’s cat food. Cole apparently has a particularly aggressive and hissy cat who I think rules him a little…

 

 

 

9. Lame To-Go Coffee Container: Have you ever noticed that just slapping a pink ribbon on something suddenly turns it into a purchase-worthy object? You could pretend that you bought this at a coffee shop. Not Starbucks, because they shill their logo on everything, but maybe a lesser-known coffee shop…maybe Groundworks?

 

 

 

10. Carton of Cigarettes: Another suggestion from Cole. This one was actually good unlike the cat food. He even suggested providing the link to the scene from The Breakfast Club where Judd Nelson talks about only getting a box of cigarettes for Christmas.

I’m sure the quote is in there somewhere.

 

 

 

Bonus Gift #11. Condoms! “But Janet,” you might say. “What if the person I’m buying a gift for isn’t that good of a friend? Wouldn’t that be awkward?” No problem! Just buy one in every size! That way you are sure to gift a size that fits. Problem solved.

From Daniel (Ok, so confession – this post idea was all Daniel’s idea so he is owed props. We just procrastinated on the procrastinator’s guide so we didn’t have time to get together to do this.) and me at MTFB (that rhymed if you ignore the long shit in the parentheses), happy happy holidays and have plenty of GOOD EATS!

 

7-Eleven
Everywhere, even in other countries.

The Night I Almost Died

Monday, May 5th, 2008

OK, well, the title is … hyperbole. I’m sorry that I’ve been missing. It’s not really all due to my near death experience. It’s more about being busy as shit.

Anyway, I read once that people should stop apologizing for not blogging and just fucking blog already. Here I goooo!

I have this crazy overactive immune system that thinks I’m allergic to everything. I mean, I’m not one of those loser peanut kids. But still, I have gone to the emergency room more than once because I ate something weird.

My symptoms – hives, puffiness, itchiness, stomach pain, diarrhea, wheezing, and, eventually, throat closure. The first ER trip was after a crazy dinner in Chinatown in NYC – the culprit was either crab, shrimp, or jellyfish. That time I started dying on the subway, continued dying in front of the New York Stock Exchange, and was finally revived in the ER closest to the Twin Towers. The second time was in Marina del Rey, after eating an entire can of lychees, where I freaked James the fuck out with my scary Japanese horror-movie swollen eyes. This time it was…a salad.


Suspect #1: Whole Foods Organic Mixed Baby Greens

A SALAD? RUFSM? I knew, though, instantly, from the unique “this-is-anaphylactic-shock-you’re-fucked” pain in my tummy. I immediately took two Benadryl and futilely tried to sleep it off. But then I started wheezing and went out into the living room where Tinx said, “Dude. You’re puffy.”

Nestled in my bag, my Epipen beckoned to me with its glistening automatic trigger needle. At this point: To inject or not inject? Too soon, too soon. I had at least an hour before my throat would close.

I wanted to go Urgent Care instead of ER, so Tinx drove me to St. John’s instead of the ER that is next door to my apartment. But then we ended up in the St. John’s ER anyway. After traveling through a maze of corridors, we were told to sign in.

Let me tell you, there is NO SUCH THING as patient privacy. The waiting seats are probably 11.5 inches behind the check-in window. The lady behind the window alternately screamed, “What’s the matter?” and “What’s your mother’s maiden name?” and “Tell me your social security number!” at me. I wrote them down so I didn’t have to broadcast it and then she just yelled the information back to me. Fucker.


Suspect #2: TJ’s Sunflower seeds.

Given priority ahead of me in line were (1) a man whose mother had had a stroke and couldn’t get to the ER from the car (they wouldn’t treat her unless she came in WTF?!) and (2) this poor guy who, when asked “What’s the matter?” said, “Um, I’m trying to figure out how to say this. Um, I think I might be a danger to myself.” Poor poor guy. The lady was not impressed and made him wait, where he promptly lay down in the hall and started crying (punctuated by bouts of insane laughter).

When I saw the triage nurse an hour later, she was very concerned. My wheezing was dramatic by then and my blood pressure was through the roof. But that’s normal for me. I was whisked into a bed where a flaming nurse and a nice doctor lady took care of me.

The rest of the night was a blur because of the drugs but I’d been through this enough times to know exactly what was going to happen. Some super strong corticosteroids and some super strong antihistamines, and some albuterol. I got reeeaaallly loopy and sassed my nurse out and Tinx shushed me. We played Monopoly on her cellphone (NOT FUN) and went home a couple hours later.


Suspect #3: TJ’s Greek Goddess Dressing

So. What the fuck was I allergic to? I’ve had everything before. But I was fine with shrimp and crab until I turned 17 so perhaps I have acquired some sort of allergy. The sunflower seeds seem suspicious because they are in the nut family? Is that even true? While the name of the dressing is exotic, the ingredients in the dressing are completely benign. Which leaves…the fucking lettuce? I think it was some sort of weird mold because the greens were over a week old.

Anyway, I refuse to get food phobic and will continue eating everything under the sun. Big thanks and roomie love to Tinx for driving. I leave you with a loopy conversation –

Me: [loopily, slurring, opening and closing mouth] Dry mouth. Dry mouth. Ha ha haaaa side effects may include dry mouth, constipation –
Tinx: MASTURBATION!?!?

Crazy Shitty Week

Sunday, April 20th, 2008

Hello devoted CM readers!

This is the craziest week I’ve ever had coming up, and I’ve been slacking on the CM end while I prepped for it, and will continue to slack. Thanks for your patience. I’ll update as soon as the craziness is over – definitely by Friday!

In the meantime, here is an iPod case (via Geekologie) that looks like meat. Marbly meat.

I know, it’s lame and certainly not enough to make up for two weeks of silence. Perhaps the fact that I feel guilty and shamed makes up for it a little?

Vanilla Bake Shop

Thursday, February 21st, 2008

Remember when I was psyched because Vanilla Bake Shop was opening right near the Promenade?

Well, it’s open, and kind of old news now. But whatevs.

James’ mommy loves posh and cute, so what better “thanks for buying us meals all the time” gift than Cupcake Babies?

They were all good in the way that it’s easy to make cupcakes good. There was one truly outstanding contestant – the Key Lime Pie. How did they pack so much tanjy punch into such creamy icing? Hooo lordie.

Also notable about VBS opening is that LaserAway is open right next to it.

I am smack dab in the middle of laser hair removal here – I’ve finished 3 of my 6 sessions. My nurse is this SMOKING hot blonde named Jessica. She is the one with the slightly wooden delivery starring in the local commercials on TV right now if you live in LA and get Time Warner. I LOVE her. Mostly because she is hot. But also because she is VERY THOROUGH, if you get my drift. She gets into those nooks and crannies and moves only an excruciating 1 mm per zap despite my squealing, my sweating, and my “SHITFUCKSHITFUCK”s.

Once I am through with my treatment I’ll write a much longer essay on my adventures in hair removal, including the god-awful DeeDee, my splotches debacle, and the extreme poses and loud burps that come with the territory with laser hair removal.

For now, gaze upon the cuteness that are cupcake babies and try not to think too much about the smell of burnt hair.

Vanilla Bake Shop
512 Wilshire Blvd
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310.458.6622

I am Asian

Wednesday, February 6th, 2008

I don’t understand any of what’s going on. When I go to McDonald’s website, I am given the option to click on “Fun” and then, to click on i-am-asian.

For some reason this takes me to a Flash site of a room, presumably of a girly Asian person. This whole game is so, like, racist that I can’t believe it! Things in the room:

1. An origami crane mobile
2. A paper lampshade
3. A…pig? Which you mouse over and it says, “Year of the PIG! Year of the PIG!”
4. A fucking boba poster

WTF? I am more than my cute girly-ness and just cuz I’m Asian that DOESN’T MEAN I LIKE BOBAAAAA!

…except I do. And I adore pigs.

BUT STILL! I don’t even know how to fold an origami crane! And Japanese isn’t one of the language choices when I click on the remotes! Boo McDonald’s faces!

I don’t know what to feel right now. Outraged? Giggly because they straight got me? How about confused? I’ll stick with confused.

Magic Flute

Tuesday, January 29th, 2008

Tinx and I lost our opera virginity to The Magic Flute, and it wasn’t at band camp, baby.

It was at the Orange County Performing Arts Center, put on by Opera Pacific. We crawled at a pace of 15 mph in the pouring rain down the 405; me with no sleep, no food, no caffeine, and the whitest of white knuckles placed at 10 and 2.

It was great! Specifically, SHE was great.

Nicole “Aren’t I gorgeous?” Cabell was her name, and she was simply M-azing. Why aren’t more people named Pamina? Cutes! The famed Queen of the Night, played by Luz del Alba, was super good, too. She kicked all three versions on iTunes’ ladies motherfucking ass on that aria. (( I had no idea the lyrics to this most famous refrain were “Hey you better kill that priest or else I’m disowning your ass.” The music sounds so triumphant, airy, happy…)) I had no complaints, except that in general German is super unromantic as a language for a love opera. It’s all “Ish” this and “Ish” that. Oh, and also, Mozart sucks at constructing storylines.

Anyway, all of this is relevant to CM because of this gem I found in my research:

In Opera Pacific’s production of The Magic Flute, Papageno (role sung by Rod Gilfry) will eat a bite or two of a real chicken leg during Act II; we have placed a damp napkin in the food basket so he can wipe his fingers and continue singing.

To which I say (a) COOL!; and (b) that shit was chicken that he was eating? Actually, not even that. More like (b) oh, those were HUMANS moving around down there? I thought those were sentient grains of rice wiggling around. You see, we were in the top tier of the theatre, seemingly a dizzying mile above the stage. It was still a freaking STEAL at $30, and now I’m craving opera as if it’s guacamole.