Pole Dancing Aerobics

by janet on September 17th, 2009

I took my first ever pole dancing aerobics class tonight. It was so much freaking fun despite my extreme awkwardness and pure inferiority that I felt next to our instructor, Jazmin. Even without any makeup and her butch-ey hairdo (think Kate Gosselin, but more angular – for the hair, not the bod) she was dazzling, and when she stripped off her (already miniscule) shorts to reveal the tiniest of panties and started us off with a labia-baring “straddle stretch” I was totally sold.

We wasted much of the class doing silly stretches. Although I did love the “apology” stretches – the movements that one does after a particularly grueling stretch to say, “I’m sorry, body. I didn’t mean it. Here, this will make you feel better.” There were only two poles, so we split up into two groups (4 people in mine; 5 people in the other).

In my group was a suuuuuper FOB-ey Asian lady. Middle-aged with glasses and a velvet scrunchie, wearing horrid track pants (the kind with the lone reflective stripe down each side) pulled up to just below her boobs with a nasty ol’ moss-green tank top on top. AZN to the max! She barely spoke English but was clearly THRILLED to be there. While Jazmin was explaining the first move (a simple pullup) on one of the poles and we were all crowded around her, listening and watching, this lady was totally going at it on the other pole, spinning jerkily and rubbing her crotch on the ground around the base of the pole. I was…speechless. Every single movement we did, she would take twice as long on her turn and would add in all sorts of irrelevant movements, and would begin every one of her attacks on the pole by cupping the pole with both of her hands and running them up and down the pole, just as if she were giving a massive peen a vigorous HJ. Awesome. Once I got over being shocked and perplexed I started to look forward to her turn on the pole, since you never knew what crazy fucking move she was going to bust out (my favorite – a double-knee spin, but with her knees wide open so her nether-regions and her hands were the only things touching the pole) and her pole dismounts were always stunning, prompting Jazmin at one point to say, “Whoa! Very…sexy!”

Anyway, the moves – the simple pull-up? Impossible. Only the one most ripped girl (who looked gross – too muscley and in a tiny pink bra top) could do it. The second was a curl up – just holding yourself on the pole and bringing your knees up to your chest. Also impossible. I’ve been a fitness instructor for six years now and am no slouch when it comes to arm and overall body strength. It was just…different muscles, used in a totally, utterly new way. I was floored. Literally. Because for some reason at the very moment when I didn’t want my palms to be sweaty, they were gushing liquid, causing me to slide very unceremoniously down to the floor and bonk my kneecaps on the ground. Owch. Between each execution we would wipe the pole with an alcohol-soaked towel – super ridiculously inapropro for the aforementioned reasons, but to no avail for me – palms still too slippery. The third move we did was putting our backs against the pole, hands gripping above our head, and just a simple knee-lift. I couldn’t even get one toe off of the ground. No one could, so Jazmin abandoned that and we moved onto the fun stuff – TURNS!

Sweaty palms apparently help in turns, because the whole point is to get your knees up while you’re turning and then slowly spin to the ground, knees straddling the pole on the ground as you finish your turn by gazing at your audience seductively. A lot of girls dropped straight down to the ground, crushing all the bones in their legs (again, owch), and a lot of girls just got stuck on the pole without turning, which is very cute, I guess, if you’re a koala. Still, everyone had tons of fun during this part. Jazmin showed off a little for us at the end by doing crazy inversions and taking off her shirt so that we could feel her astonishingly rock-hard eight-pack. We all clapped and salivated and giggled and went “Oooooo!”

Finally, we ended with figure-eights, which consisted of all of us in a line, hands on the mirror and legs spread, moving our asses in a sideways figure-eight (so, more like an infinity symbol). Jazmin kept yelling at us to go slower and deeper, and came around to each of us to check our “form.” When our form was not satisfactory, she would go in front of us on the mirror, have us stand behind her with our hands on her hips, and feel as she slithered around in her indeed super seductive and sexy figure-eight. As we were doing this, the gym custodian lady came up to clean the equipment at the back of the studio and just stood there, mouth agape and trashbag dragging on the ground, watching us. I tried not to get embarrassed and bask in the humor of the situation.

Next week, we have been instructed to bring 2-3 inch heels, so Jazmin can teach us how to walk like sex kittens. Lord. I cannot WAIT to see what Asian lady has up her sleeve…

2 Responses to “Pole Dancing Aerobics”

  1. Kim says:

    This post made me laugh out loud. Thank you. And good luck!!

  2. Kim says:

    And PLEASE continue to blog about this class.

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