by janet on December 23rd, 2009

Soo I was off the grid in a cabin in Big Bear for a little while. Highlights included wall to wall to floor to ceiling to wall Christmas decorations, two stray dogs that somberly looked through our windows the whole time with their melted chocolatey eyes, drinking relay races that involved an icy and terrifying sled run, random wafts of baby diarrhea smell (there were nineteen of us, after all), and…Bibleopoly.

Instead of “GO,” you have “In the beginning.”  Instead of dollas, you have “offerings.”  Instead of Boardwalk, you have, naturally, Jerusalem.

Instead of going to jail, you go…meditate.

At first I thought it was a slam against the meditating religions, like Buddhism?  But then someone who grew up in one of those households where they didn’t have a Christmas tree because that was “worshipping a false idol” piped up and said, “NO it’s like, go meditate on your sins.”

Ohhhh OK.  Makes sense.  The other one makes sense too, though. Crazy game.

Instead of deeds to property, you “tend” certain cities.  Each card has a description of the city which may have spelling errors.

The ultimate goal is to build a church?  But to get a “cornerstone” (ie your first house in regular Monopoly) you have to give one of your cities to another player (something to do with utterly confusing verses like 2 Cor. 8:9. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich?), and that has to also serve to complete the other player’s trio of same-colored properties.  Then you build it up with bricks, and then you win by placing your OWN game piece on as the steeple!  I wish I was in the pitch room when they presented this tidbit as the piece de resistance and the guy said, “BOOM!  LOVE IT!  PRINT A THOUSAND!”

Rather than “Chance,” there’s “Faith/Contingency,” whatever the fuck that means.  Sometimes these cards make you donate one of your properties to the community, where someone can scoop it up if they land on Free Parking, which in this game is Rejoice/Community Celebration.  The four railroad stations are called “Abyss” – aptly named if you ask me.

BECAUSE THIS IS THE ABYSS CARD I DREW!  Ahem.  My nickname happens to be “Satan” and I have absolutely no Bible/Christian knowledge.  In fact, I am the kind of girl who once played a drinking game with a Bible (drink every time it says “Lord”).  So how the fuck am I supposed to name FIFTEEN Bible Cities?

I came up with “Jerusalem” and “God…ville?”

Luckily, 15 spots back took me to some tony properties on the rich side of the board, and I got to pass “In the Beginning” again for 10 more offerings.

Satan FTW!

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