Last night I went with Dr. Z to his ex-girlfriend’s wedding. Dr. Z’s current girlfriend was out of town digging up fossils or whatever it is that she does, and he didn’t want to show up alone (on account of the whole EX-girlfriend thing). I assumed he scoured his friends for the hottest one to show off so I was flattered, and indeed, did my best to look smashing, but it turns out that he asked me merely because I’m “game for everything.” I guess that’s a compliment.
I’ve blogged weddings before, because for some reason they are so funny! I think it’s the fact that many different people are brought together, and there are so many instances in which to display (your lack of) taste, whether it’s the dress, the cake, the flowers, etcetera.
This wedding was VERY tasteful. It was tasteful, polite, tame, nice. It did not start out well, however. The invitation said 6pm; we arrived at the country club in beautiful Bel Air at 6:00:30. Apparently, that was thirty seconds too late, as the parents were already walking down the aisle and we got yelled at by the wedding planner and were not allowed to go to the wedding area, but were instead relegated to an area about 200 yards away like losers.
The ceremony went off without a single hitch. Very nice, very smooth (except for the fact that there was a guy who was golfing right next to the couple. WTF?). I enjoyed schmoozing with the wedding guests, who seemed to ALL be from Dr. Z’s church. I made sure Dr. Z had a drink in his hands at all times, cooed at the appropriate moments when talking to family friends’ moms, and walked the fine line of reassuring Dr. Z that yes, the bride was very very hot, but not hot enough to deserve him.
Anyway, next to me at Table 5 was David, one of Dr. Z’s oldest friends and a youth pastor. Who doesn’t drink. And sings really really high (he sang the upper harmony in the Indigo Girls song that they sang during the wedding). Overall, a very nice but slightly off chap.
For example. He suddenly shrieked, “SUGAR BUTTER!” and started giggling. Intrigued, I looked over and decided to document what was going on.
Step 1 [pictured top]: Put ball of butter inside your empty wine glass (because you don’t drink, remember?)
Step 2: Put in a packet of sugar. You may have to raid the super fancy custom-made cappuccino bar for the sugar packets, as at this point the salads have not even been served and there is no sugar on the table.
Step 3: Mix with a fork. Be focused – do not, for example, listen to the wedding speeches, or pause to place salad dressing on your salad. Definitely eat your salad dry.
Step 4: Not enough sugar!! Grab one more packet and sprinkle the contents onto the ball, which is stuck to the end of your fork. Do this with a frenzied, trembling sort of excitement, as you are SO CLOSE to getting to eat your sugar butter!
Step 5: GRATIFICATION! Eat your sugar butter! Smooth it all over your tongue and enjoy the crunch of the sugar crystals and the creamy saltiness of the butter. If your eyes feel compelled to roll back in your head, let them.
I, for one, was much more enthralled by the MASHED POTATO BAR! A huge line there the whole night. I have recently been over mashies, but now I am firmly back in the MASH camp.
Aside from a couple awkward moments (e.g. where I had to lean over, place my hand gently on Dr. Z’s shoulder and say, “Don’t take that personally,” when the bride’s father said, “When we first met [groom's name which I've already forgotten], we instantly thought, ‘Now THIS is the kind of guy we want for our daughter!’” and when Dr. Z brought a conversation to a screeching halt by saying, “Yeah, but there’s a rape in it” about a book that everyone was raving about [Pillars of the Earth]), I had a surprisingly fabulous time at this wedding where I knew no one. Dr. Z kept saying, “You’re doing great!” so I think he would agree.