Lot Lizards and Urine Pots

by janet on September 8th, 2008

Hi y’all!  I just got back from a gorgeous, gorgeous wedding in Allentown PA.  It was my friend Emry from high school in her beautiful mansion that had probably 60 bedrooms.  The sad part was that it was raining on her wedding day, but in the end it was kind of cool because it wasn’t just raining, it was BUCKETING thanks to hurricane Gustav, so it was very dramatic and memorable. What I hope was NOT memorable was my singing during the procession – a not-so-good rendition of At Last.  I cracked twice (hopefully people thought I was trying to hold back tears) and for some insane reason the string quartet had chosen an arrangement in CUT TIME, when the original Etta James version which I requested was in 12/8.  That probably means nothing to a vast majority of you, but it’s the musical equivalent of substituting salt for sugar in a recipe. To add insult to injury, the band later on in the reception said, “AND NOW! For the most romantic song in the world – AT LAST!” and the chick sang it so smoky perfect (and the band played it in the correct time signature mofos) AND everyone was slow dancing but I had no date so I just awkwardly stood around not making eye contact with anyone.  TERRIBLE.

Anyway, this post is not about me, but rather the amazing cab driver that I encountered in Allentown. Upon inquiring as to my hometown, he said, “Oh, I think you were in my cab last month? I had a Oriental-lookin’ girl in my cab from LA.”  I said, “….no that wasn’t me.”

Then he launched into a diatribe about Sarah Palin.  Despite his brash words, he talked very quietly, so I had to stick my head through the plexiglass opening and rest my chin on the back of the front seat bench to hear him. The whole cab smelled like puke, which I originally thought was due to some partying Lehigh University kids going overboard, but by the end of the cab ride (for reasons I will go into very soon) I thought it must have been due to him being drunk and puking just prior to picking me up.

After the diatribe about Sarah Barracuda (does that even rhyme?  I don’t think so.) he went on another diatribe about the economy. He said he was a lifelong Republican but that he was crossing over to the dark side for this election and voting for Obama.  At this, I instantly forgave his anti-yellow comment earlier and warmed up to him.

He said his option was to work 60 hours a week in the cab and net $7 an hour OR to drive a truck.  I asked him how it was driving a truck and he said, “Yeah, it’s a rough life and you see the worst parts of America. Like in the truck stops, where there are those guys, you know? Who come around wanting to give you sexual favors? You know, lot lizards. I’m sure you’ve heard of ’em. And then the ‘ladies of the night’ who you can’t really ‘ladies.’ I mean, they got two legs but that’s about it. You know, you’re trying to get some sleep in the truck stop and they come around banging on your cab to see if you want anything! God! That’s when it’s good to have a pot of urine on standby so you can fling it in their face. That teaches ’em to not come around again, har har har.”

…AMAZING, RIGHT!?  I didn’t have the heart to tell him he missed the road we were looking for, but once he started swerving off the road I bucked up and said, “UM! That was the street!” and he said, “I messed up” and pulled a U-turn.  Then, several diatribes later, he says, “Wait, where is this place we’re going again?” And I said, “I DON’T KNOW! THAT’S YOUR JOB!”  I’m sure he was drunk. A quick call to dispatch (Hey Mr. Cabbie, why not use the fucking GPS on your dashboard?) and I got there in one piece, but gosh, what a way to get welcomed to Allentown, eh?

2 Responses to “Lot Lizards and Urine Pots”

  1. Mary says:

    “After the diatribe about Sarah Barracuda (does that even rhyme? I don’t think so.) he went on another diatribe about the economy. He said he was a lifelong Republican but that he was crossing over to the dark side for this election and voting for Obama. ”

    And chances are that he was lying. That he wasnt a “lifelong Republican”. (a cab driver, in liberal democrat ALLENTOWN?). I dont know what he really was registered as, but he sure isnt/wasnt a “lifelong Republican”. And chances are that he was always going to vote for Obama regardless of who the Republican nominees were going to be.

  2. […] Lot Lizards and Urine Pots Because: Wins Most Surreal Experience award of 2008, and of course makes it into the Top 10 for […]

Leave a Reply