This is Chapter 3 of my trip to the L.A. County Fair. If you missed it, you should read Chapter 1: Fry loaf hunting, inedible cupcakes, and Nathan Lyons first and then Chapter 2: KO-ed by Kuteness.
*Author’s note: Simon and Seymour get new pseudonyms as of today. Now Simon = Teriyaki and Seymour = Tapioca. I put both in this post so you get used to it; but tomorrow’s post will be totally changed, so let’s learn them today!
It had been waaay too long since we had had something to eat, so we turned right and headed for the deep fried booth. On the way we were delayed by the Can-un-Drum show (Stomp/Blue Man Group-esque drumming on trash cans), and as Seymour/Tapioca is some sort of percussionist he stood there, mesmerized. I was mesmerized by the idea of roasted corn and stopped to get one. Oh, it was superb! The best-tasting thing I had at the fair. The corn was perfectly grilled with artistic burney marks, SO sweet and crunchy and buttery and salty. Adding to the fun was the experience of eating-while-walking which is a fair must. I inhaled the corn so it was long gone by the time we reached our real destination â€“ the deep fried trailer of goodness.
Perfection in a corn husk.
Simon/Teriyaki and I had been looking forward to the deep-fried twinkie all day. We were practically jumping up and down with excitement. Then we saw that they also had a Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich and that was when we peed our pants. We ordered both (skipping the deep-fried avocado amidst plans to make our own deep-fried avocado) along with deep-fried oreos and sat down to gorge on our heart attack trio.
Probably Satan food.
OK, so it was technically Seymour/Tapioca who ordered the Krispy Kreme sandwich, but we all three wolfed it down. You know that phenomenon where incongruous food-things come together into perfect food nirvana (like Spam Musubi)? This was that, in absolute perfection. The sweetness of the donut with the saltiness of the chicken patty, with the smoothness of the provolone cheese all topped off with the gooeyness of the honey packet? Delectable. This is as close to perfection as low-brow food can get!
Complete with special non-hole Krispy Kreme!
The twinkie wasnâ€™t bad either, but we asked for raspberry topping and instead got strawberry. Mofos. The twinkie wasnâ€™t so exotic since it wasnâ€™t battered like I had anticipated, and it tasted like any old cake + whipped cream + fruit combo (meaning it tasted fucking delicious). The oreos were slightly more exotic, being actually battered and then deep-fried. Nothing could compare to the KKCS, though, so the oreos were mostly eaten out of duty rather than yumminess. The one thing I did like about the deep-fried oreos was that the cookie and frosting had congealed into a moist, cakey mush.
Onward and upward! We still had hot dogs and funnel cake (yech, not for me but for Seymour/Tapioca) on our to-eat list. We headed for the Chicago-style hot dog stand (no sissy normal hot dogs for us) and, after briefly contemplating the polish sausage, instead got the 1/2 pound, 12-inch all-beef hot dog with onions, pickles, and hot peppers on top. Many squirts of ketchup were necessary.
We found a picnic table and I dashed down the street to get beer. I was very shocked at the amount of alcohol available at the fair! Every other booth was a beer booth, and we also saw a Jaeger & Rockstar booth, and of course there was the Budweiser tent and several margarita booths. I handed over $12 for two Coors Lights and ran back to the table, forgetting to grab a knife to cut the hotdog into two (Seymour/Tapioca was passing on the hot dog). I thought we could just use the herpes knife that was left over from the group that was there before us. S/T & S/T both vetoed the idea and we improvised and used a piece of cardboard from the hotdog container to cut it into two.
See? We should have used the herpes knife.
By the time I actually got around to eating it, the hot dog was a little cold, but the carnivore in me screamed with delight (I am a weekday vegetarian, omnivore on weekends). I forgot all about my beer and just chowed down on the hot dog. I could have used about a gallon more ketchup but I was happy to just taste meat flavor too.
It was at this meal that Simon/Teriyaki had the great idea for me to get James a goldfish as a present. We found the goldfish booth ($5 guarantees you a goldfish with its own cute aquarium) where you had to throw ping pong balls into goldfish bowls. We decided schlepping a goldfish around for the rest of the day would suck so we left it for later.
We kept walking and Simon/Teriyaki noticed a pretty wooded area with lights hanging down from the trees. It was very romantic, and we scanned the woods looking for couples making out in what should have been frenching central. Except there were kids running around everywhere, too, and nothing kills the mood more than a reminder of what could happen if the condom broke or the pull-out was ill-timed. So, we moved on and went into a greenhouse-looking building which I hoped was the topiary zoo.
It wasnâ€™t, but how serendipitous! We walked through an opening and landed in: Ralphâ€™s Vineyard Kitchen!
â€¦continued in Chapter 4, wherein we get some serious drinking done.