The Procrastinator’s Guide to Holiday Shopping: 7-Eleven Gifts

by janet on December 23rd, 2008


So. Maybe you spent the last month working furiously on a grant. Or maybe you spent it drunk. Maybe both at the same time. In any case, imagine that you are in a situation where it is Christmas Eve and you have NOT BOUGHT ANYONE PRESENTS! Oh no!

After contemplating a plan in which you injure yourself, severely enough so that you’ll be hospitalized and have a good excuse for not having gotten anyone anything, but not so severely that you die, and then discarding this plan, and then, more sensibly, looking online to see whether overnight shipping means they’ll ship on Christmas Day (they don’t), and discovering that even fucking TARGET is closed on Christmas day, you then drive to… the trusty 7-Eleven!

There, you might contemplate the following holiday gift ideas, all available at 7-Eleven:

But, wait. First, to get into character, loiter in front and have a cigarette like I did. I don’t smoke unless drunk, but I had to make the experience a complete one.

OK, onto the LIST!



1. VIDEO GAMES: 7-Eleven has come a long way, baby! You can get fucking Call of Duty at 7-Eleven now!!? Or, if you are, like, a grandma who doesn’t know cool video games, you can get your grandson the 007 game because that’s familiar to you. Note: I just looked up reviews of the game online and it’s actually semi-well reviewed, so this year grandma would have landed a winner, unlike that year when she bought you a Zune.




2. Giftcards: iTunes is probably your safest and best bet as far as giftcards go, though you could get a World of Warcraft giftcard if you are me and buying for your sister, who is a supercute, giggly sorority girl who has a nerdy streak.




3. Sunglasses: Not the best gift if you’re not an LA-ite (well, not the best gift in general), but you could take off the tag, throw it into an old sunglasses case that you’ve kept lying around when you bought yourself Prada shades two years ago, and hope for the best.




4. Gift Subscription to Magazine: This was an excellent suggestion by Cole, who was helping me on my mission. You could buy the latest copy of the mag, roll it up, and wrap it so it looks like a bottle of wine, except it’s SURPRISE! a magazine! Just pop the subscription card into the nearest mailbox.




5. Wine: …or you could just straight up get them a bottle of wine. Not too confident on the selection at 7-Eleven, though. I think a good strategy would be to buy a super obscure brand that is more than $10, and then say, “Yeah, I read a review about this in an in-flight magazine a while ago.”




6. Beer: Or maybe you could go with beer. I think this is safer. Sapporo or some other semi-“exotic” beer is good. Heineken is really trying to promote this strategy of giving beer with their holiday commercial depicting men as (a) selfish (with the holiday 5-pack), and (b) terrible at wrapping. Both seem accurate to me?




7. A boatload of lottery tickets: I think this is a good gift in the “ironic” vein of gifts if you give it to a prissy person who has never played the lotto before. The only risk with this gift is if they actually hit it big, in which case you’ll have to deal with your own bitter feelings for many years.



But they come with their own holiday gift envelope! A definite plus as you won’t have to pay for wrapping paper. Which 7-Eleven, of course, sells. Along with Christmas cards!



Anyway, continuing onwards~




8. Cat Food? This was one of Cole’s suggestions. He insisted that cat food was a great gift. I was skeptical. He said, “Cats LOVE this stuff!” Well, duh. It’s cat food. Cole apparently has a particularly aggressive and hissy cat who I think rules him a little…




9. Lame To-Go Coffee Container: Have you ever noticed that just slapping a pink ribbon on something suddenly turns it into a purchase-worthy object? You could pretend that you bought this at a coffee shop. Not Starbucks, because they shill their logo on everything, but maybe a lesser-known coffee shop…maybe Groundworks?




10. Carton of Cigarettes: Another suggestion from Cole. This one was actually good unlike the cat food. He even suggested providing the link to the scene from The Breakfast Club where Judd Nelson talks about only getting a box of cigarettes for Christmas.

I’m sure the quote is in there somewhere.




Bonus Gift #11. Condoms! “But Janet,” you might say. “What if the person I’m buying a gift for isn’t that good of a friend? Wouldn’t that be awkward?” No problem! Just buy one in every size! That way you are sure to gift a size that fits. Problem solved.

From Daniel (Ok, so confession – this post idea was all Daniel’s idea so he is owed props. We just procrastinated on the procrastinator’s guide so we didn’t have time to get together to do this.) and me at MTFB (that rhymed if you ignore the long shit in the parentheses), happy happy holidays and have plenty of GOOD EATS!


Everywhere, even in other countries.

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